Six (scientifically approved) tips to make your man fall for you

Posted By: relationshiptips August 15, 2015

Are you a woman? Do you have a male partner? Is this male partner not so much an individual human being, with all the nuances and complexity that would imply, but more of a self-propelled bag of crude stereotypes with a permanent erection? And do you, as a woman, want to forgo any hope of a career or life of your own in order to spend all your time wooing this creature, rather than doing the merciful thing and help end its undoubtedly horrific existence?
If this all applies to you, then you may have read the recent article from US Glamour magazine, which gave many tips for how to make a man fall (even more) in love with you. Unfortunately, the tips provided have been widely condemnedas sexist, old-fashioned, incredibly naïve and just plain ridiculous. But you know what’s not ridiculous? Science!
Before now we’ve had scientific advice for men on how to pick up women, so here’s the opposite; a scientific guide for women on how to make that supposed man in your life fall in love with you, or at least become psychologically incapable of leaving you, which works out the same.

Condition that guy relentlessly

Does your man ever show affection to you? Does he say he loves you, or that you’re beautiful, or that he likes spending time with you, or anything even vaguely complimentary? If so, as soon as he does, reward him immediately. Figure out what he likes and provide it on the spot whenever he is nice to you. A nice cool beer, a biscuit, some sort of meat sandwich, a new PS4 game, whatever your budget and time allows for, make sure that whenever your fella behaves in a way that suggests he likes you, make him want to do it again and again by inducing pleasure every time it happens.
Via the process of operant conditioning, the crafty balancing of reward and punishment in response to certain behaviours, he will soon learn to be faithful and committed to you. It’s important to balance this with deterring of unsuitable behaviours too. If he wants to spend time with his friends and not you, if he wants to get an early night rather than stay up all night talking, make sure he regrets it considerably. Call the police and tell them he’s got a bomb, or release a wild leopard into his room as he tries to sleep. He won’t find early nights so relaxing after that.

Look as much like him as possible

You’ve heard that opposites attract? Well, forget about that. Many studies have revealed that people are likely to be attracted to individuals who resemble them. Whether due to social, cultural, developmental or some deeper psychological cause, your man will likely be more attracted to you if you remind him of himself. Cut your hair, start wearing similar clothes, if cosmetic surgery is an option then go for that.
Soon you should have your man convinced he is in a relationship with an exact copy of himself. This will cause him to question his own existence and sanity, making him vulnerable and dependent. He’ll be yours forever!

Convince him that free will is an illusion

One sure fire way to stop your man choosing to leave you is to convince him that the very act of making a choice doesn’t actually exist. A lot of research from the field of neuroscience suggests that the activity responsible for action occurs before the conscious awareness of that action occurs. This suggests that we are not responsible for our actions, we are only aware of them afterwards so are creatures of pure reflex and passivity at the most fundamental level.
Granted, there is plenty of evidence and arguments against this idea, but that’s not important; if you can convince your man that free will is a myth, then you can convince him to abandon the notion of any sort of autonomy and rule out any attempt at thinking about leaving you and entering a relationship with someone else.
Either that, or he’ll be so depressed about the utter meaningless of existence he’ll stay with you due to lack of motivation to do anything else at all. Either/or.

Stop him from sweating

It’s not enough to just ensure your man is committed to you, you have to make sure no other women have a chance either. While your manipulation techniques will have psychologically broken him to the point where no other women think of him as a desirable partner, there is still the more biological components to consider.
One of these is sweat; many recent studies suggest that women are responsive to the smell of a man’s sweat and end up being aroused or attracted to him as a result. Obviously, you need to curb your man’s sweat to prevent this.
There are many ways to stop your man perspiring; keep him dehydrated, apply strong antiperspirants when he’s not looking, slip him anticholinergic drugs, or even surgically sever the nerves that control sweating. He’ll have to be in quite a deep sleep before you can get away with this last one, but he’s surely worth it.

Take him hostage

Considering that you’re already considering going to extreme lengths to manipulate your partner to prevent him from ever leaving you, why not just kidnap him outright? Holding him hostage in a perilous and unnerving scenario may well induce Stockholm syndrome, strengthening any existing bond between you via the mechanism of mortal peril and domination. Your grandchildren will love to hear this romantic tale.

Just don’t

When you think about it, if you’re having to resort to such feeble and/or ridiculous manipulations to make someone love you, they probably don’t, so save both him and yourself some time and dignity and move on as soon as you can.
source: http://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2015/jul/28/six-tips-to-make-your-man-fall-for-you-science
author: http://www.theguardian.com/profile/dean-burnett