Single and Frustrated? You May be Too Judgmental
Single and Frustrated? You May be Too Judgmental
Lessen your judgmental thoughts to create space for connection and closeness
Posted Jul 10, 2016
Source: Alejandro J. de Parga/Shutterstock
There’s nothing wrong with being picky about who you want to be with. It’s actually useful to have an idea of what you’re looking for. But when you have a long, detailed list to check off for someone to be potentially suitable, your pickiness has gone from useful to isolating. If you need someone to be of a specific age and height, with a specific degree, who makes a certain amount of money, who has no debt, who never had debt, who doesn’t have roommates, who is never socially awkward, whose hands aren’t too small or too big, who dresses the way you like, lives nearby, comes from a specific family, etc., you will always find a reason to be alone. This list is like a locked gate, keeping you inside, and potential partners out. No one can meet all of these criteria all of the time. And, even if someone meets all of your on-paper requirements, it doesn’t mean you would feel connected to the person or have a satisfying relationship with them. If this list sounds familiar, you may be keeping yourself from getting to know who people really are, and then experiencing connection with them.
If you are overly judgmental, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or unkind. Judgmental thoughts emerge from discomfort; they are a way to create distance from others. If you’re overly judgmental, it means you are skilled in using judgmental thoughts to manage or avoid uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps your inner-judger serves as protection from the discomfort you feel when you get too close to someone, after a couple of weeks of dating. Perhaps just the idea of closeness with someone triggers your inner-judger to pick up its megaphone in your mind and sound off after a first date. Maybe your inner-judger protects you when you feel out of control in social situations. Maybe you have low self-esteem, and you judge others as a way to protect yourself from love you don’t believe you truly deserve; you push those who offer it away with judgmental thoughts.
You may not have realized that your inner-judger was somehow serving to protect you; that you’ve needed it because you didn’t have other skills to manage your discomfort. If your inner-judger has been on high volume, it is likely that you are not yet familiar with the discomfort lying beneath your judgments, spurring them forth. The good news is, with this new knowledge, you have more choices. You can choose to work on lowering your inner-judger’s volume. You can become comfortable with what is currently uncomfortable. In doing so, you will create space within yourself so you can be curious about who others are. Then, you can see what kind of connection you have with them. It’s hard to get to know someone and to experience connection when you’re disgusted by the size of their hands, or the weird shirt their wearing, or how socially awkward you find them. In order to get to know someone to see if they will be a good fit for you, you have to look beyond your on-paper check-list at who the person is, and, who you are with them.
The following exercises will help you lessen your judgmental thoughts in order to create space for closeness and connection:
1. Learn to work with your inner-judger. Your inner-judger has some good information for you, but, when it is the only part of you evaluating your dates, none of your potential partners will stand a chance. When you learn to balance your inner-judger’s opinions with other parts of yourself that have other opinions, you can make more informed decisions about your potential partners. Have a conversation with your inner-judger to help strengthen other parts of you:
A. Acknowledge your inner-judger; notice the judgmental thoughts;
B. Thank it for trying to protect you; validate its efforts to do something for you;
C. Let it know you will consider its judgments;
D. Then, ask it to take a step back so the rest of you has some input into whether you like the person or not. Remind it that you appreciate its attempts to protect you, but that you don’t need its protection right now.
E. Practice letting the judgmental thoughts go, and intentionally focus on being curious about who the person is and how you feel with them.
2. Make a different list. If you have a lot of on-paper items you want in a partner, you may be focusing too much on those. Try making a new list of how you want to feel with a partner. Then, list the qualities the person would need to possess in order to support those feelings. For example, if you want to feel comfortable and accepted in a relationship, you might write those down as desired feelings. Then, you might write, “open minded,” as a quality you want in a partner. If you want to feel valued and seen by a partner, you might write those down as desired feelings. Then, you might list, “interested,” or, “curious about others,” as qualities you want in a partner, for example. This will help you look for someone who supports you in feeling the way you want to feel, which height and degrees don’t always do.
3. Mindfully choose which judgments you need. Notice judgmental thoughts about your date, and write them down. Ask yourself the following series of questions for each judgment:
A. Why do I need the person to be the way I want them to be? For example, how would it really serve me if my date was less socially awkward, or shorter, or taller, or dressed differently, or spoke louder, or softer, etc.?
B. What is it about me that needs these things? Where did the judgment come from? Did they come from societal messages? Familial influences? Past experiences?
C. Do I really need it, or was it an automatic reaction? Could I be ok if the person weren’t the way I would prefer?
If your inner-judger is getting in the way of what you want, you can work on yourself and change. There are many paths to turning down its volume, and creating space for connection and closeness. If you’ve been getting in your own way, start practicing these tips so you can begin to clear a path for connection and a satisfying relationship.
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