Balancing Influence and Authenticity in Loving Relationships
Balancing Influence and Authenticity in Loving Relationships
Four steps to sharing your attractive, unique, and best self with a partner.
Posted Jun 11, 2016
Should you chose to behave in ways
that are the most persuasive and attractive, or be more authentic to
your personal feelings and unique inclinations? How can you get what you
want from others and have complementary, intimate relationships with
them too? What does it really say about you, or the world, if you have
not found the love of your life yet—or struggle to make things work with
the partner you've chosen?
As I passed my fifth year anniversary of writing on Psychology Today (and surpassed the milestone of 10 million views on my articles here too), I started to think more deeply about those larger questions. Thus far, I have helped others (and myself) be a bit more attractive, persuasive, and socially skilled. But, until recently, I had not given as much thought to those larger, over-arching questions of intimate relationships.
For awhile then, I'm going to focus on those bigger questions. To start, I'll try to resolve a fundamental struggle that many of my readers share—namely, "how do I balance being true to myself, while also being persuasive, attractive, etc?" The central conflict seems to be that "techniques" often work to get a date or influence a partner's behavior, but they sometimes feel generic, inauthentic, or shallow sometimes too.
Personally, I've had mixed results with both sides of that conflict. Anybody who has dated or had a serious relationship has probably been given the advice to "just be yourself". In my experience though, simply putting myself out there, without a bit of knowledge, finesse, and planning, didn't quite attract the romantic connections I desired. In contrast, a calculated approach did get more positive responses, however, many of the potential lovers I attracted were not really compatible with my more unique qualities, my particular needs, or my future goals in life. So, I either got little-to-no interest with one approach, or a lot of interest from incompatible partners with the other!
Fortunately, between taking a few more tours through the dating market, personal introspection, and a trip back into the psychology literature, I'm beginning to resolve that dilemma. To find the solution, however, we need to first understand how this mating game ultimately works—specifically, matching us with an appropriate, similar, and complementary partner.
More recently, however, research has begun to pay closer attention to exactly how we match up with partners—and what characteristics may be similar as a result. Specifically, a study by Hunt, Eastwick, and Finkel (2015) evaluated how long 167 couples knew each other before dating, whether they were friends before dating, each partner's physical attractiveness, and relationship satisfaction. The aim of their study was to determine whether being friends before dating changed how partner's matched and the level of satisfaction with that pairing.
1) Attraction techniques can help get you noticed. While it may be true that people should not judge a book by its cover, in practice, most people do initially judge books (and other people) that way to start. Unfortunately then, no matter how much wonderful stuff we have on the inside, few people may see it without us putting forth a little effort on how we present ourselves to the outside world. That doesn't mean that you have to be a model, or change your entire look or personality, but working on a few universally-attractive features—and learning a few tips to attract attention and start a conversation with a potential partner—can increase your odds of success. Overall then, some generic tips and techniques can help build initial interest, even if they take you a bit outside of your usual routine or comfort zone.
2) Unique features can help you find a satisfying match. As I indicated above with my own experience, generic attraction techniques can help you get initial interest from potential partners—but many of those partners may not quite be compatible with you on a deeper level. Sure, this type of superficial interest may work for the pick-up artist, or casual fling, but it is not quite enough when you're looking for a loving and longer-term partner. So, after getting their initial attention, it is then time to let your unique, authentic, and specific traits and preferences lead the encounter. It is the time to transition from the superficial, to more intimate and personal conversations too. This is where you get to see whether you are truly compatible and your mutual needs align.
4) Balance authenticity with necessity over time. Once you have established both a general level of interest with a partner and more unique points of connection, an ongoing relationship becomes a balancing act between the two. At this time, tending to more generic and universal aspects of relationships become important again; like rewarding a partner's good behavior, showing gratitude for their efforts, and using touch to spark passion and romance. Nevertheless, those behaviors can be performed in ways that are authentic and unique to your own self and relationship too. In other words, things like which rewards we choose to share, how each of us shows gratitude, or the special motivations for physical intimacy that develop in a romantic relationship, will be somewhat unique to each couple. In this way, couples find their own special and authentic ways of meeting the somewhat generic and universal tasks required for all satisfying relationships.
Overall then, healthy and satisfying relationships are developed through the interplay of meeting more generic and universal milestones with unique and specific flair. In other words, there are general techniques and tasks that need to be done—but doing them in your own authentic and special way is important too. Sometimes the emphasis will be more on the superficial and universal, as is often the case with building initial attraction. Other times, the emphasis will be more on the intimate and specific, as is often the case with the "get-to-know-you" stages of a relationship. Nevertheless, these two processes balance out in the relationship over time—allowing you to share your best self with your partner, and their best self with you too.
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References
As I passed my fifth year anniversary of writing on Psychology Today (and surpassed the milestone of 10 million views on my articles here too), I started to think more deeply about those larger questions. Thus far, I have helped others (and myself) be a bit more attractive, persuasive, and socially skilled. But, until recently, I had not given as much thought to those larger, over-arching questions of intimate relationships.
For awhile then, I'm going to focus on those bigger questions. To start, I'll try to resolve a fundamental struggle that many of my readers share—namely, "how do I balance being true to myself, while also being persuasive, attractive, etc?" The central conflict seems to be that "techniques" often work to get a date or influence a partner's behavior, but they sometimes feel generic, inauthentic, or shallow sometimes too.
Personally, I've had mixed results with both sides of that conflict. Anybody who has dated or had a serious relationship has probably been given the advice to "just be yourself". In my experience though, simply putting myself out there, without a bit of knowledge, finesse, and planning, didn't quite attract the romantic connections I desired. In contrast, a calculated approach did get more positive responses, however, many of the potential lovers I attracted were not really compatible with my more unique qualities, my particular needs, or my future goals in life. So, I either got little-to-no interest with one approach, or a lot of interest from incompatible partners with the other!
Fortunately, between taking a few more tours through the dating market, personal introspection, and a trip back into the psychology literature, I'm beginning to resolve that dilemma. To find the solution, however, we need to first understand how this mating game ultimately works—specifically, matching us with an appropriate, similar, and complementary partner.
Assortative Mating
While there are often some trade-offs, it is generally observed that relationship partners match-up and are similar on a number of characteristics. This tendency for individuals to pair with mates who have similar physical, behavioral, and psychological characteristics is known as Assortative Mating (Lutz, 1905). It has been a topic of study in intimate relationships for over 100 years now.More recently, however, research has begun to pay closer attention to exactly how we match up with partners—and what characteristics may be similar as a result. Specifically, a study by Hunt, Eastwick, and Finkel (2015) evaluated how long 167 couples knew each other before dating, whether they were friends before dating, each partner's physical attractiveness, and relationship satisfaction. The aim of their study was to determine whether being friends before dating changed how partner's matched and the level of satisfaction with that pairing.
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Results of their analyses indicated that couples who were not friends before entering into a romantic relationship
were much more similar on their overall level of physical
attractiveness. Nevertheless, there was no significant difference on the
level of satisfaction between couples who jumped right into a
relationship with a similarly-attractive partner, or who built a friendship
first with a dissimilarly-attractive partner. Overall, the authors
theorize that the added time as friends allows potential partners to
match on more unique behavioral and psychological variables—that take
time to get to know. Thus, partners either match quickly on
externally-attractive features, or they grow into a relationship more
slowly and match on more internal and uniquely-attractive traits.Just Being Your (Best) Self
The above research can lend some thoughts to help us resolve the problem of being authentic, versus simply doing whatever is attractive...1) Attraction techniques can help get you noticed. While it may be true that people should not judge a book by its cover, in practice, most people do initially judge books (and other people) that way to start. Unfortunately then, no matter how much wonderful stuff we have on the inside, few people may see it without us putting forth a little effort on how we present ourselves to the outside world. That doesn't mean that you have to be a model, or change your entire look or personality, but working on a few universally-attractive features—and learning a few tips to attract attention and start a conversation with a potential partner—can increase your odds of success. Overall then, some generic tips and techniques can help build initial interest, even if they take you a bit outside of your usual routine or comfort zone.
2) Unique features can help you find a satisfying match. As I indicated above with my own experience, generic attraction techniques can help you get initial interest from potential partners—but many of those partners may not quite be compatible with you on a deeper level. Sure, this type of superficial interest may work for the pick-up artist, or casual fling, but it is not quite enough when you're looking for a loving and longer-term partner. So, after getting their initial attention, it is then time to let your unique, authentic, and specific traits and preferences lead the encounter. It is the time to transition from the superficial, to more intimate and personal conversations too. This is where you get to see whether you are truly compatible and your mutual needs align.
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3) Looking beyond the surface can help you judge potential partners.
Of course, to find a truly compatible relationship, you need to give
others the same respect and consideration that you would ask from them.
So, be curious about your dates and partners too—beyond their superficial qualities. Build rapport with them and get to know them on a deeper level. Find out whether their traits and goals are truly compatible with your own preferences. See whether they are willing to invest in you and the relationship too.4) Balance authenticity with necessity over time. Once you have established both a general level of interest with a partner and more unique points of connection, an ongoing relationship becomes a balancing act between the two. At this time, tending to more generic and universal aspects of relationships become important again; like rewarding a partner's good behavior, showing gratitude for their efforts, and using touch to spark passion and romance. Nevertheless, those behaviors can be performed in ways that are authentic and unique to your own self and relationship too. In other words, things like which rewards we choose to share, how each of us shows gratitude, or the special motivations for physical intimacy that develop in a romantic relationship, will be somewhat unique to each couple. In this way, couples find their own special and authentic ways of meeting the somewhat generic and universal tasks required for all satisfying relationships.
Overall then, healthy and satisfying relationships are developed through the interplay of meeting more generic and universal milestones with unique and specific flair. In other words, there are general techniques and tasks that need to be done—but doing them in your own authentic and special way is important too. Sometimes the emphasis will be more on the superficial and universal, as is often the case with building initial attraction. Other times, the emphasis will be more on the intimate and specific, as is often the case with the "get-to-know-you" stages of a relationship. Nevertheless, these two processes balance out in the relationship over time—allowing you to share your best self with your partner, and their best self with you too.
Make sure you get the next article: Click here to sign up to my Facebook page. Remember to share, like, tweet, and comment below, too.
References
- Hunt, L. L., Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2015). Leveling the playing field: Longer acquaintance predicts reduced assortative mating on attractiveness. Psychological Science, 26, 1046-1053.
- Lutz, F. E. (1905). Assortative mating in man. Science, 22, 249-250.
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