5 Facts About Why Your Bae Isn’t as Hot as You Think

Autumn Whitefield-Madrano Face Value

5 Facts About Why Your Bae Isn’t as Hot as You Think

(And why that's a good thing)

Posted Jun 09, 2016

Source: Savannah van der Niet (Instagram: @savvyv)/Flickr

Have you ever had a friend tell you about this gorgeous person they started seeing, only to meet them in person and been utterly underwhelmed? Chalk it up to one of my favorite findings on how beauty plays out in romantic relationships: positive illusions.
Positive illusions—an inflated, unfounded optimism, particularly around one’s own circumstances and abilities—exist well beyond the romantic arena. They’re why most of us think we’re better-than-average drivers, why we gamble at casinos even when we logically know the odds are against us, and why we’re preeeetty sure our kid is smarter than yours. But when this mental sleight-of-hand enters intimacy, it becomes downright beautiful. When we’re enamoured with someone, we see them as being different than they really are. More physically appealing, for sure, but also more likable, more charming, more interesting, just plain better than most people find the object of your desire to be. And it’s not merely the fact of attraction—our illusions only come into full play once we’re established a relationship. Here are five things to know about those rose-colored glasses you’ve got perched on your nose:

1. Positive illusions can make you feel—and stay—in love. People who have strong positive illusions report higher relationship satisfaction (and why wouldn’t they? look at the winner they snagged!). It’s not just for puppy love, either: A 13-year-long study showed that people who had strong positive illusions as newlyweds reported staying in love for longer, and more deeply, than people whose vision was a bit clearer at the relationship’s birth. And the stronger the illusion at the beginning, the longer the relationship is likely to last. The main hitch here is that if your illusions verge on grandiosity, the inevitable crash to reality might be harsh enough to shatter your illusion altogether. Keep those glasses tinted a mere rose, not scarlet.
2. Positive illusions might mean you’re more committed to your partner. Researchers theorize that part of why we embrace positive illusions is because they carry us through inevitable periods of doubt in a relationship. It’s a way of protecting the commitment inherent in a partnership. But there’s a bit of a snag: Women tend to use positive illusions regardless of how committed they are to a relationship, while men tend to hold off on embracing them until they’re totally in. (It’s unclear as to whether the gender divide applies to people in same-sex relationships, though people all over the Kinsey scale engage in positive illusions.)
3. Positive illusions mean you can relax a little. Go ahead, quit sucking in your gut. Positive illusions give all of us a built-in safety net: If your partner thinks you’re better-looking than you actually are, you’d have to actively become more unattractive before the illusion begins to crumble. For straight folks, there’s also the added dimension of misunderstanding what the opposite sex generally finds appealing—women tend to think men prefer women thinner and bustier than men actually prefer, and men seem to believe that women swoon for a form more muscular than women actually want. That disconnect doesn’t go away even in committed relationships. Between this miscalculation and positive illusions, though, your imperfect form may be exactly what the love doctor ordered. Trust your beloved when he or she says you’re beautiful. Chances are, they mean it.
4. Positive illusions don’t ever really go away... People tend to report their current partner as being better-looking than former partners—but they still inflate their former sweetheart’s attractiveness too. And unsurprisingly, your rose-colored glasses stay affixed even firmer for that ridiculously hot romp you had way back when—we tend to connect the beauty of our former lovers with the amount of passion the relationship had.
5. ...Unless you were dumped. People who assigned the blame for a relationship’s end to themselves, or to mutual agreement, continued to rate their exes as improbably attractive. But people who were unceremoniously cut loose hold a bit of a grudge, it seems, by mentally diminishing the heat of their former flame. So while you’re still fondly reminiscing about your college boyfriend’s dreamy eyes—what a pity you had to let him go!—know that in his mind, you’re a gorgon.