What Does It Mean if Your Best Friend Is a Narcissist?
What Does It Mean if Your Best Friend Is a Narcissist?
Why, and who, would want to have a narcissist for a friend?
Posted May 17, 2016
One of the most intriguing features of the personality trait of narcissism is that people with an ample amount of it can appear to be so attractive.
Unaware of the dynamics that produce this quality, people who meet
individuals high in narcissism are likely to find themselves drawn to
them. Although their extreme self-focus, egocentrism, and tendency to
manipulate people and situations will eventually come to the surface,
the initial impression you form of someone high in narcissism is likely
to be very positive.
There is a tendency to label people high in narcissism as “narcissists,” but in reality the trait of narcissism is a quality that everyone possesses to more or less a degree. In extreme form, and when it leads to dysfunctional behavior, narcissism can become the core of a disorder known as narcissistic personality disorder. In popular parlance, these distinctions become lost and we talk about “narcissists.” It’s more accurate, however, to talk about people who do not have the personality disorder as being “high on narcissism.” For the purpose of brevity, I use the term “narcissist” but please keep in mind that it’s preferable to think of narcissism as a dimension rather than as a discrete set of categories.
With this qualification, let’s return to the question of who- or why- anyone would be attracted to a narcissist. In part, this is because these individuals have figured out how to draw attention to themselves through humor, charm, and sociability or some combination of the above. Narcissists, by definition, expend time and effort on looking good, and this in turn feeds in to our tendency to feel positively about people who are attractive. Imagine the center of attention at a social gathering or even business meeting. It’s likely you’d readily become drawn into his or her circle of admirers.
It’s one thing to be attracted to a narcissist and another to remain close to that person over time. Those same qualities that make narcissists so appealing at first can become infuriating as the weeks, months, and years go by. You will not be able to count on them to be there for you when things get rough, they will not have your best interests at heart, and they will probably try to get you to do things for them and never repay your generosity. They won’t confide in you about their fears and worries, and you’ll feel that you never really get to know them. Why wouldn’t you just break it off? The chances are that most people would do just that. They would eventually get fed up and seek out more rewarding, reciprocal relationships.
Those who remain friends with narcissists, then, may have saintly qualities in which they are willing to overlook these shortcomings. If you’re one of these forgiving individuals, you may continue to hold out hope that your friend will change. Perhaps you see your friend’s narcissistic surface as covering up a deep sense of being flawed or inferior. Maybe you’ve been friends with this person for years, and you know how rough his or her early life had been. Your friend wouldn’t be this way without an overly harsh mother or father who committed neglect, humiliation, or abuse. Yes, your friend can be superficial, glib, and manipulative, but it’s only because of this early upbringing that your friend is constantly trying to overcome.
Humboldt University of Berlin psychologist Ulrike Maaß and colleagues (2016) decided to investigate this very question, proposing in their title that “Narcissists of a Feather Flock Together.” As you can tell from these words, the theory driving the study was that, by and large, friends of narcissists would themselves be narcissists. The only people who could stand being friends with narcissists, in other words, are narcissists.
The findings showed that, as predicted, those who maintained long-term relationships with narcissists indeed were high in narcissism themselves. In interpreting the findings, Maaß et al. concluded that narcissists “like what they have” (p. 378). Not only are narcissists tolerant of narcissism in their friends, but they don’t get turned off by the selfishness, arrogance, and bossiness that would lead non-narcissists to walk away.
At the core of the study was the notion of “self-regulation” among people high in narcissism. According to this view, narcissists need to engage in a set of protective strategies to keep them from having their weaknesses exposed. The findings suggested, as the authors concluded, that “Similar narcissistic friends might help each other to achieve such a rapport by respecting the same life strategy, avoiding conflicts, sharing the same mating behavior and preferences for competition, and displaying the same non-caring attitudes” (p. 378). They create an in-group, in other words, in which the “us vs. them” mentality allows them to continue to boost each other’s vulnerable self-esteem. Similar effects also appeared for psychopathy and Machiavellianism, suggesting further that once you enter the Dark Triad, you seek people like you to minimize the risk of rejection.
If you have a narcissistic friend, do the results of the study mean that you too, must be a narcissist? If we define ourselves by the company we keep, if that company behaves badly, are we then just as bad? It’s possible that by reading this, you’ve now come to the sad realization of your own narcissistic tendencies. However, let’s return to the “saint” hypothesis that the true friend of a narcissist is someone who’s just plain loyal and forgiving. These are dimensions not adequately tapped in the measures used in this study.
Whether you’re a narcissist, the opposite of a narcissist, or (like most people) somewhere in between, your life is heavily influenced by the quality of your friendships. Figuring out how to maintain those friendships can help you find this very special form of fulfillment.
Follow me on Twitter @swhitbo for daily updates on psychology, health, and aging. Feel free to join my Facebook group, "Fulfillment at Any Age," to discuss today's blog, or to ask further questions about this posting.
Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne 2016
References
Maaß, U., Lämmle, L., Bensch, D., & Ziegler, M. (2016). Narcissists of a feather flock together: Narcissism and the similarity of friends. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 42(3), 366-384. doi:10.1177/0146167216629114
There is a tendency to label people high in narcissism as “narcissists,” but in reality the trait of narcissism is a quality that everyone possesses to more or less a degree. In extreme form, and when it leads to dysfunctional behavior, narcissism can become the core of a disorder known as narcissistic personality disorder. In popular parlance, these distinctions become lost and we talk about “narcissists.” It’s more accurate, however, to talk about people who do not have the personality disorder as being “high on narcissism.” For the purpose of brevity, I use the term “narcissist” but please keep in mind that it’s preferable to think of narcissism as a dimension rather than as a discrete set of categories.
With this qualification, let’s return to the question of who- or why- anyone would be attracted to a narcissist. In part, this is because these individuals have figured out how to draw attention to themselves through humor, charm, and sociability or some combination of the above. Narcissists, by definition, expend time and effort on looking good, and this in turn feeds in to our tendency to feel positively about people who are attractive. Imagine the center of attention at a social gathering or even business meeting. It’s likely you’d readily become drawn into his or her circle of admirers.
It’s one thing to be attracted to a narcissist and another to remain close to that person over time. Those same qualities that make narcissists so appealing at first can become infuriating as the weeks, months, and years go by. You will not be able to count on them to be there for you when things get rough, they will not have your best interests at heart, and they will probably try to get you to do things for them and never repay your generosity. They won’t confide in you about their fears and worries, and you’ll feel that you never really get to know them. Why wouldn’t you just break it off? The chances are that most people would do just that. They would eventually get fed up and seek out more rewarding, reciprocal relationships.
Those who remain friends with narcissists, then, may have saintly qualities in which they are willing to overlook these shortcomings. If you’re one of these forgiving individuals, you may continue to hold out hope that your friend will change. Perhaps you see your friend’s narcissistic surface as covering up a deep sense of being flawed or inferior. Maybe you’ve been friends with this person for years, and you know how rough his or her early life had been. Your friend wouldn’t be this way without an overly harsh mother or father who committed neglect, humiliation, or abuse. Yes, your friend can be superficial, glib, and manipulative, but it’s only because of this early upbringing that your friend is constantly trying to overcome.
Humboldt University of Berlin psychologist Ulrike Maaß and colleagues (2016) decided to investigate this very question, proposing in their title that “Narcissists of a Feather Flock Together.” As you can tell from these words, the theory driving the study was that, by and large, friends of narcissists would themselves be narcissists. The only people who could stand being friends with narcissists, in other words, are narcissists.
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To test this theory, the German team
asked nearly 300 pairs of best friends to complete a personality
inventory in which they rated their friends on narcissism as well as the
other “Dark Triad” traits of psychopathy
and Machiavellianism. The key to the study was examining not only the
correspondence between friends on these undesirable personality
qualities, but whether they would see greater correspondence in
narcissism scores among those who themselves were narcissists.The findings showed that, as predicted, those who maintained long-term relationships with narcissists indeed were high in narcissism themselves. In interpreting the findings, Maaß et al. concluded that narcissists “like what they have” (p. 378). Not only are narcissists tolerant of narcissism in their friends, but they don’t get turned off by the selfishness, arrogance, and bossiness that would lead non-narcissists to walk away.
At the core of the study was the notion of “self-regulation” among people high in narcissism. According to this view, narcissists need to engage in a set of protective strategies to keep them from having their weaknesses exposed. The findings suggested, as the authors concluded, that “Similar narcissistic friends might help each other to achieve such a rapport by respecting the same life strategy, avoiding conflicts, sharing the same mating behavior and preferences for competition, and displaying the same non-caring attitudes” (p. 378). They create an in-group, in other words, in which the “us vs. them” mentality allows them to continue to boost each other’s vulnerable self-esteem. Similar effects also appeared for psychopathy and Machiavellianism, suggesting further that once you enter the Dark Triad, you seek people like you to minimize the risk of rejection.
If you have a narcissistic friend, do the results of the study mean that you too, must be a narcissist? If we define ourselves by the company we keep, if that company behaves badly, are we then just as bad? It’s possible that by reading this, you’ve now come to the sad realization of your own narcissistic tendencies. However, let’s return to the “saint” hypothesis that the true friend of a narcissist is someone who’s just plain loyal and forgiving. These are dimensions not adequately tapped in the measures used in this study.
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Consider the possibility, then, that if you are friends with a
narcissist there’s some unfortunately news about yourself you’ll need to
accept. However, if in being completely honest you feel that your
narcissism would barely qualify as a 3 on a 7-point scale, it’s also
possible that you are just one of those individuals who prefers to see
the best in people. You’ve believed, perhaps for years, that your
narcissistic friend needs your support and that eventually this support
will translate into your friend’s leaving behind the narcissistic
lifestyle.Whether you’re a narcissist, the opposite of a narcissist, or (like most people) somewhere in between, your life is heavily influenced by the quality of your friendships. Figuring out how to maintain those friendships can help you find this very special form of fulfillment.
Follow me on Twitter @swhitbo for daily updates on psychology, health, and aging. Feel free to join my Facebook group, "Fulfillment at Any Age," to discuss today's blog, or to ask further questions about this posting.
Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne 2016
References
Maaß, U., Lämmle, L., Bensch, D., & Ziegler, M. (2016). Narcissists of a feather flock together: Narcissism and the similarity of friends. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 42(3), 366-384. doi:10.1177/0146167216629114
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