Is Pornography Helping or Hurting in the Bedroom?
Is Pornography Helping or Hurting in the Bedroom?
What the Experts are Saying
Posted May 21, 2016
Recently there has been much discussion about the effects of pornography on relationships. This week I had an up-and-coming therapist come to my office to discuss my approach to therapy. She was very confused about working with individuals and couples who are seeking therapy for pornography-related issues.
She had attended a lecture by Dr. David Ley who believes that there is no such thing as pornography or sexual addiction. You can read his article, Pornography Is Not the Problem--You Are, here, on Psychology Today. She also works at a center that espouses this same idea. They believe that pornography is not the problem, but that our attitudes about pornography are creating problems. They believe our perception about pornography being addictive is wrong.
In his same article David Ley wrote, “Porn can affect people, but it does not take them over or override their values. If someone watches porn showing something they find distasteful, it has no impact on their behavior or desires. He further argues that research indicates that “Across the world, and in America, as men have increased ability to view Internet erotica, sex crimes go down. Believe it or not - porn is good for society.” This argument should get everyone’s attention and make us all ask important questions. Are we as a culture over responding to pornography? Should we just relax because viewing pornography is a natural, healthy activity?
As I listened to my therapist friend, I could tell she was clearly confused. I invited her to consider a few other voices in this discussion. Recently, I had the chance to interview Dr. Susan Johnson, the founder of emotionally-focused therapy, author of Love Sense and Hold Me Tight. She is a world-renowned Marriage and Family Therapist. In our discussion, she acknowledged that she used to believe that pornography was not that big of a deal. However, as she has watched the effect pornography has had on countless couples, she now believes that pornography damages attachment bonding. In her attachment-based model, she believes that solo pornography use significantly alters the natural attachment bond in couples. You can find the full discussion on the iTunes podcast titled, Love Rice--Nerd Out on Bonding.
I also encouraged my colleague to read Dr. John Gottman’s recent post titled, “An Open Letter on Porn.” In this letter he wrote, “Pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony. This moment calls for public discussion, and we want our readers around the world to understand what is at stake.” Clearly, Dr.’s Johnson and Gottman now believe that our reaction to pornography is more than just a normal response. They are witnessing that pornography is hurting relationships.
Regarding how pornography influences a person’s sexual response, Dr. Gottman discussed how pornography is actually a supernormal stimulus. One effect of a supernormal stimulus is that interest wanes in normal stimuli. Sex in the bedroom between a couple, therefore, may become boring. With this in mind, Dr. Gottman wrote, “With pornography use, much more of a normal stimulus may eventually be needed to achieve the response a supernormal stimulus evokes. In contrast, ordinary levels of the stimulus are no longer interesting. This may be how normal sex becomes much less interesting for porn users. The data supports this conclusion. In fact, use of pornography by one partner leads the couple to have far less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction.” Dr. Gottman’s voice on this argument is one to which we should all pay attention.
David Ley’s argument that porn is good for society doesn’t take into account what other researchers have found. For example, one researcher found that “Adult exposure to pornography is associated with engaging in more behavioral aggression.” (1) Another researcher wrote, “Among the effects of the use of pornography are an increased negative attitude toward women, decreased empathy for victims of sexual violence, a blunted affect, and an increase in dominating and sexually imposing behavior.” (2) Finally, “Adult exposure to pornography is connected with users trying to get partners to act out scenes from pornographic films.” (3)
As I concluded with my colleague I realized that our discussion was missing the mark. Our debate should not be whether pornography is addictive or not. Instead we should focus on helping individuals and couples have great relationships. Quite frankly, I personally don’t care if pornography is addictive or not. I care more about what pornography is doing to individuals and in their relationships. Our society needs more individuals who are great at relationships and couples who are succeeding. I believe our attention should turn to helping individuals and couples achieve deeper levels of intimacy.
We need to spend more time helping people create better relationships. I also realized that maybe David Ley is right about a few things. We need to have more discussions on this topic, but not about whether pornography is addictive or not. Instead how do we help society respond to the fact that pornography is here and we have to figure out how to deal with it in our day-to-day lives without it destroying our relationships.
So how should we respond to pornography in our society?
Question #1:
Is pornography helping our relationships? Research would say, no! However, to be fair, there are some couples who report that it helps their relationship. So maybe we should be asking what is the difference between couples where porn hurts the relationship and those who find it helps them?
Possible solutions could include learning to have a more open dialogue about pornography and its influence on our lives and relationships.
Question #2:
How do we best help individuals and couples who are seeking help due to pornography-related problems?
Regardless of whether pornography is addictive or not, countless individuals and couples are seeking professional help to deal with pornography in their lives. In order to help, we need to better assess their needs (See www.recoveryzone.com for questions regading overall sexual compulsivity and www.discoverandchange.com/apa for pornography use problems). In our assessment, we need to acknowledge that pornography or other sexual behaviors may not be the only problem. I have found that depression and anxiety are high in individuals who frequently use pornography (3-5 times a week or more). Only when we have a clear understanding of the problems can we provide clear guidance and help.
Question #3:
Is pornography distracting us from creating better relationships? Leading researchers are telling us yes. Again, there may be exceptions as there always are, but the fact remains that pornography is harming many relationships.
In order to resolve this we need to learn how to have better relationships regardless of whether we believe pornography is good or bad for us. Human intimacy is a learned skill. Learning to create strong and vibrant relationships is a valuable solution. In my personal practice, I use the Relationship Intimacy Test to help couples assess their relationship. I developed this test to help couples explore the health of their relationship. You can take this test to assess your relationship for free at www.discoverandchange.com
Conclusion:
Pornography is a part of our society and it is here to stay. Our dialogue needs to shift away from whether it is addictive or not and instead focus on how it is influencing our individual lives and our relationships. So to my confused colleague I would say, “Gather as much information as you can and form your own ideas.”
As for me, my personal research and clinical experience tells me that pornography is hurting individuals and couples more than it is helping them. I agree with Dr.’s Johnson and Gottman that pornography is hindering couples’ attachment bonds. However, I also agree with David Ley that pornography isn’t the problem--we are. But it is because we are turning to pornography instead of to a healthy, intimate relationship.
References:
She had attended a lecture by Dr. David Ley who believes that there is no such thing as pornography or sexual addiction. You can read his article, Pornography Is Not the Problem--You Are, here, on Psychology Today. She also works at a center that espouses this same idea. They believe that pornography is not the problem, but that our attitudes about pornography are creating problems. They believe our perception about pornography being addictive is wrong.
In his same article David Ley wrote, “Porn can affect people, but it does not take them over or override their values. If someone watches porn showing something they find distasteful, it has no impact on their behavior or desires. He further argues that research indicates that “Across the world, and in America, as men have increased ability to view Internet erotica, sex crimes go down. Believe it or not - porn is good for society.” This argument should get everyone’s attention and make us all ask important questions. Are we as a culture over responding to pornography? Should we just relax because viewing pornography is a natural, healthy activity?
As I listened to my therapist friend, I could tell she was clearly confused. I invited her to consider a few other voices in this discussion. Recently, I had the chance to interview Dr. Susan Johnson, the founder of emotionally-focused therapy, author of Love Sense and Hold Me Tight. She is a world-renowned Marriage and Family Therapist. In our discussion, she acknowledged that she used to believe that pornography was not that big of a deal. However, as she has watched the effect pornography has had on countless couples, she now believes that pornography damages attachment bonding. In her attachment-based model, she believes that solo pornography use significantly alters the natural attachment bond in couples. You can find the full discussion on the iTunes podcast titled, Love Rice--Nerd Out on Bonding.
I also encouraged my colleague to read Dr. John Gottman’s recent post titled, “An Open Letter on Porn.” In this letter he wrote, “Pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony. This moment calls for public discussion, and we want our readers around the world to understand what is at stake.” Clearly, Dr.’s Johnson and Gottman now believe that our reaction to pornography is more than just a normal response. They are witnessing that pornography is hurting relationships.
Regarding how pornography influences a person’s sexual response, Dr. Gottman discussed how pornography is actually a supernormal stimulus. One effect of a supernormal stimulus is that interest wanes in normal stimuli. Sex in the bedroom between a couple, therefore, may become boring. With this in mind, Dr. Gottman wrote, “With pornography use, much more of a normal stimulus may eventually be needed to achieve the response a supernormal stimulus evokes. In contrast, ordinary levels of the stimulus are no longer interesting. This may be how normal sex becomes much less interesting for porn users. The data supports this conclusion. In fact, use of pornography by one partner leads the couple to have far less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction.” Dr. Gottman’s voice on this argument is one to which we should all pay attention.
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Whether pornography addiction exists or sexual addiction is real, it
is important that we as a society understand and explore how porn use is
influencing individuals and their relationships. Two of the most
influential therapists in our world today now believe pornography is
hurting relationships.David Ley’s argument that porn is good for society doesn’t take into account what other researchers have found. For example, one researcher found that “Adult exposure to pornography is associated with engaging in more behavioral aggression.” (1) Another researcher wrote, “Among the effects of the use of pornography are an increased negative attitude toward women, decreased empathy for victims of sexual violence, a blunted affect, and an increase in dominating and sexually imposing behavior.” (2) Finally, “Adult exposure to pornography is connected with users trying to get partners to act out scenes from pornographic films.” (3)
As I concluded with my colleague I realized that our discussion was missing the mark. Our debate should not be whether pornography is addictive or not. Instead we should focus on helping individuals and couples have great relationships. Quite frankly, I personally don’t care if pornography is addictive or not. I care more about what pornography is doing to individuals and in their relationships. Our society needs more individuals who are great at relationships and couples who are succeeding. I believe our attention should turn to helping individuals and couples achieve deeper levels of intimacy.
We need to spend more time helping people create better relationships. I also realized that maybe David Ley is right about a few things. We need to have more discussions on this topic, but not about whether pornography is addictive or not. Instead how do we help society respond to the fact that pornography is here and we have to figure out how to deal with it in our day-to-day lives without it destroying our relationships.
So how should we respond to pornography in our society?
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I believe we need to ask ourselves some important questions in order to effectively respond:Question #1:
Is pornography helping our relationships? Research would say, no! However, to be fair, there are some couples who report that it helps their relationship. So maybe we should be asking what is the difference between couples where porn hurts the relationship and those who find it helps them?
Possible solutions could include learning to have a more open dialogue about pornography and its influence on our lives and relationships.
Question #2:
How do we best help individuals and couples who are seeking help due to pornography-related problems?
Regardless of whether pornography is addictive or not, countless individuals and couples are seeking professional help to deal with pornography in their lives. In order to help, we need to better assess their needs (See www.recoveryzone.com for questions regading overall sexual compulsivity and www.discoverandchange.com/apa for pornography use problems). In our assessment, we need to acknowledge that pornography or other sexual behaviors may not be the only problem. I have found that depression and anxiety are high in individuals who frequently use pornography (3-5 times a week or more). Only when we have a clear understanding of the problems can we provide clear guidance and help.
Question #3:
Is pornography distracting us from creating better relationships? Leading researchers are telling us yes. Again, there may be exceptions as there always are, but the fact remains that pornography is harming many relationships.
In order to resolve this we need to learn how to have better relationships regardless of whether we believe pornography is good or bad for us. Human intimacy is a learned skill. Learning to create strong and vibrant relationships is a valuable solution. In my personal practice, I use the Relationship Intimacy Test to help couples assess their relationship. I developed this test to help couples explore the health of their relationship. You can take this test to assess your relationship for free at www.discoverandchange.com
Conclusion:
Pornography is a part of our society and it is here to stay. Our dialogue needs to shift away from whether it is addictive or not and instead focus on how it is influencing our individual lives and our relationships. So to my confused colleague I would say, “Gather as much information as you can and form your own ideas.”
As for me, my personal research and clinical experience tells me that pornography is hurting individuals and couples more than it is helping them. I agree with Dr.’s Johnson and Gottman that pornography is hindering couples’ attachment bonds. However, I also agree with David Ley that pornography isn’t the problem--we are. But it is because we are turning to pornography instead of to a healthy, intimate relationship.
References:
- E. Donnerstein, “Pornography: Its Effects on Violence Against Women,” in Pornography and Sexual Aggression, Eds. Neil M. Malamuth and Edward Donerstein (New York: Academic Press, 1984; M. Allen, D. D’Allessio, and K. Brezgel,, “ A Meta-Analysis Summarizing the Effects of Pornography II: Aggression After Exposure, “Human Communication Research, 22, 258-283.
- Ana J. Bridges, “Pornography’s Effects on Interpersonal Relationships,” in The Social Costs of Pornography, edited by James R. Stoner Jr. and Donna M. Hughes, 89-110. Princton, New Jersey: Witherspoon Institute, 2010.
- E. Cramer and J. McFarlane, “Pornography and Abuse of Women,” Public Health Nursing 11, no. 4 (1994): 268-272.
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