Six Ways to Make Couples Therapy Work for You

Barbara Markway Ph.D. Living the Questions

Six Ways to Make Couples Therapy Work for You

Following these tips will help you get the most out of couples therapy.

Posted May 23, 2016

Source: Canstockphoto/23386760

Have you ever wondered if couples therapy could help you and your partner resolve an ongoing conflict? Learn to communicate better? Or reach new levels of intimacy? Couples therapy can do all of these things, but only if you avoid common traps and pitfalls. Here's a list of six ways to make couples therapy work for you.
Don't wait too long.  When I worked as a couples therapist, it was not uncommon for one of the members of the couple to let it slip that they'd already consulted an attorney about a divorce. Sometimes both of the members of the couple had "lawyered up." It seemed they wanted to be able to say they had tried everything, but that really they had already made up their minds and wanted out. Couples therapy in such a situation is likely doomed to failure. Couples have a much better chance at repairing the relationship if they catch the problems early on.
Find the right therapist. Make sure you do your homework and go to a therapist trained in some type of evidence-based couples therapy. Couples therapy requires a lot of skills on the part of the therapist that not everyone has. A therapist trained in Dr. John Gottman's approach would be my first choice.
Be honest with the therapist. It's frustrating working with couples when one or both parties don't tell me the truth. As I mentioned above, sometimes they had already consulted an attorney about a divorce and they weren't upfront with this initially. Other times ongoing affairs were involved and this was kept a secret. Another area that was frequently kept hidden from  me was that of substance abuse. A good therapist will not judge you, but needs all of the information in order to adequately help.
Show up for the session. I mean this both literally and figuratively. First of all, be there on time and ready to participate. Turn off your phone and put it away. This may seem obvious, but I've actually had to tell people to put away their phones during the middle of a session. Actively engage in the session. Do your best to listen, share, and have an open mind.
Do your homework. Some couples therapy will require work between sessions. You may be asked to fill out relationship questionnaires. You may be asked to practice communication skills. There may be materials to read. If it sounds like school, it is; you're  learning relationship skills. It sounds cliché, but you'll get out of it what you put into it.

Give it time. Too often, couples want quick fixes to problems that have built up over years, perhaps decades. Dr. Gottman notes that couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. That is a lot of resentment that has built up! Don't expect couples therapy to work magic overnight. Similarly, don't expect the therapist to "fix" your problems --a good therapist will serve more as a relationship coach. In time, though, if you do your part, there's hope that you and your partner can remember the good things that brought you together in the first place.